Monthly Archives: October 2010

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Only Fifteen

I might only be fifteen,

But I’ve seen it all;;

Families built up and destroyed in a matter of weeks.

Children being moved from house to house,

Not knowing where to call home.

Seeing their parents scream, yell, and sometimes get violent,

Often being beaten themselves,

And never knowing what’s real and what’s a nightmare.

Most times they are one in the same.

Crying so many nights,

Trying to figure out all the confusion,

Salty tears hit the pillow.

I might only be fifteen,

But I’ve seen it all.

Family members dying one right after another.

The funerals being the only time to meet the rest of the family.

Best friends don’t even know the truth,

Lies to hide the hurt.

Always false emotions,

Always a mask.

The pain is sometimes unbearable.

Some teens try to take the “Easy way out.”

Yes, I’ve seen that, too.

And I’m only fifteen.

In some cases it’s not the easy way out.

They feel it’s a  reality check.

Others tend to say that cutting is stupid.

But what if they don’t want to die?

What if they need to know that they’re still alive?

Especially when they’re in so much emotional pain it feels unreal.

Yes I’m fifteen,

But I can almost guarantee that I’ve been through more

And seen more than you will ever understand.

And I’m only fifteen.

Let’s hope that the next generation’s fifteen year old’s won’t have to see what I have experienced.

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Bubble Tea

We walked to the Lyon’s Den.
He bought us bubble tea.
You and I,
Had a side conversation
Through texts.
He was jealous.
We didn’t care.
We kept flirting.
There is a small
Physical attraction.
Our personalities
Are completely opposite.
That’s why we get along so well.
We tell one another
That I love you
And you love me.
We’re best friends.
Our friendship
Started up the steep hill
After that cup
Of bubble tea.
We trust each other.
I’m addicted
To that frozen drink
Because it reminds me
Of you smiling,
Your laughter,
Of your eyes
Twinkling with joy.
I love bubble tea
Because I love you.

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A Painfully True Secret.

Demons hurt me,

Inside and out.

Told me I was worthless,

Unloved.

Slammed my head into the door,

The Wall.

Nearly broke my fingers in the sliding glass exit.

Held me by my throat,

Screaming hateful words.

Family trying to help,

Only led the demon to beat the shit out of him, too.

Tears became my enemy.

If they were seen,

They were a sign of weakness,

Causing him only to hit harder.

I taught myself not to cry a physical pain.

Emotional pain was another story…

Pain.

I just wanted to die,

To disappear,

For it all to go away.

The scars still linger.

Pain was the only way,

To know it wasn’t a nightmare…

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Frustration

Ever been so heated that you were on the verge of tears?

Does it seem like ob some days it’s everybody’s goal to anger you?

With all the frustration, don’t you ever feel like everyone is against you?

But then again, don’t we all?

If they can frustrate us, is that a win for them?

When people run their mouths about things they don’t even understand. Judging me when they barely notice my existence.

Domestic violence being hidden, unseen and unspoken.

I see all these lies painted on peoples’ face, not even showing the slightest glimpse, of the true person behind the lies.

The frustration builds and builds until… I lock myself in my room and cry for those who are crying in emotional pain, for those who want to cry but can’t. I cry for those who need to cry but refuse to. I cry until I can cry no more…

Then the frustration builds again. And it goes on in an endless circle.

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Through Your Eyes

I wish I could see things,
See things through your eyes.
To be able to see myself
The way you see me.
You see me as beautiful.
I see myself as tolerable.
You see the world’s natural beauty,
What I see is a polluted city.
Through your eyes,
The stars shine bright.
My eyes shine even brighter you say.
I saythe stars are just just gasous dots,
And that my eyes are a dull grey.
I want to see the world
Through your eyes and not mine.
Mine pick out the cruel and the ugly.
Yours pick out the amazing and the beautiful.
I can tell you think I’m gorgeous.
Have your opinion,
And I’ll have mine.
But to  see the world for one day
Though your eyes,
Would change mine forever.

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Negative

I see them everywhere…
New mothers,
Brand new babies.
You see me get starry eyed,
And you know I want one.
But I’m only seventeen…
I know you remember
When we thought I could have been pregnant…
I took the test
At the recommended time…
The test was negative…
You were so relieved,
I was disappointed…
“We’re too young”
Was all you said
As I laid in bed and cried.
Never did it occur to you,
That I was hoping,
Hoping for a positive result…
I was excited…
My thoughts and dreams
Were of us as a family,
Holding our new baby…
It felt right,
Perfect…
You never saw the tears
That were shed,
After the test results
Revealed themselves.
I had hoped
From the bottom of my heart,
That I was pregnant
With your child…
I want to be a wife,
A mother…
I love you,
More than anything…
A baby would just be the two of us,
Perfectly combined,
In a single body,
And a single soul.
Big “fall in love me” eyes,
Mommy and Daddy
Wrapped around the smallest of fingers.
Can you see it as vividly as I can?
The first intentional smile
Would melt our hearts,
And we’d bend to the every whim
Of that precious child.
But it’ll have to be later in life,
Seeing as I’m only seventeen,
And the test was negative…

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Tears

Tears well,
In the corners of my eyes,
Threatening to fall…
I walk in the door
And know that
Even though there might be people home,
I’m alone…
My bed will be empty,
And these threatening tears will fall,
Only to hit a cold pillow…
I love you…
My heart aches every time we’re apart…
Please help me cease these tears…
I don’t know exactly what to do…
Pathetic,
I know…
It makes me feel helpless
To know that I can’t function completely
Without you…
I love you so much…
Help me understand
What I’m going through…
This is all new to me…
As these tears threaten to fall…

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To my grandfather;; A tribute

My grandfather was only 66,

On September 25, 2010

When he left this world.

I miss him,

More than I have shown.

I haven’t cried,

Haven’t let my emotions be seen.

Though normally,

I can barely keep

My head level.

Why now,

Do I have the ability

To keep a lid tightly sealed?

Hearts seem to beat slower

During a funeral,

Or a memorial.

Tears fall faster than most realize.

We take the time to grieve,

Those who have left this earth.

Some leave without pain,

Without suffering.

Others pass on without remembering

The day before,

Or that they told their son,

Directly for the first time,

“I love you, Scott.”

My dad became a little misty-eyed

As he said,

“I love you, too, Dad…”

Liver cancer made my grandpa give up

On living.

A severe infection

Put him in pain.

Mersa in his blood,

Made him lose

His last shred of hope…

Papa Mike,

You will forever be remembered

In our hearts,

And in our spirits.

I love you, Papa…

I miss you…